I just had a excruciatingly frustrating interaction with E-Trade’s offshore “support” agency. I’m still a little irritated, so please excuse my venting. I hope this might prove informative to other consumers who are thinking of using E-Trade’s “services”.

After trying to transfer money from my trade account to my personal bank account, the account was flagged for “suspicious activity”. Ok, I thought – they are trying to protect me. Good for them.

When I call them to have the hold removed, the fun begins. I’m asked a few simple questions to verify my identity. I answer those correctly and this is enough for them to discuss my account details with me. But then I’m told they need further verification to remove the hold. Ok…

They tell me that I’ll be asked “verification questions from a third party,” at which point another person joins the line and begins asking me questions from my credit history. The first couple questions go well, but then they begin asking me questions that obviously have nothing to do with me. I tell them that and they just keep repeating the question over and over telling me I have to choose A,B,C or D. I tell them that none of these apply and they talk over me and continue to read the script – and the question. Was I talking to a recording?

So, I choose one. They move on to other questions that have nothing to do with me. I randomly select answers, all the while protesting that these questions are not accurate. At the end, they let me know that I have failed the verification and now an additional hold is on my account. Great! Now, I’m as safe a character in a Kafka novel…

And what do I have to do to remove this new hold? Fax over a letter and a copy of my passport. To the main fax line, I ask? No, to some random unlisted number. Really? Can they confirm receipt or otherwise reassure me my passport has gone to the right place? No, it goes to a different department. A department that doesn’t take direct calls. And they’re closed.

So I refuse. What else can we do, I ask? They ask me to submit a “secure message” through the website. Ok, I think. Maybe some progress is being made. I log on to their website and the email form is broken. In Firefox and Safari. They don’t believe me when I tell them. They offer to transfer me to tech support, but Surprise! “It’s closed for the day.” Maybe I can try again on Monday, they ask? Is there an email address I can send an email to? No, they don’t give that out.

Can I speak with a supervisor, I ask? No – no one is available at this time. And what can I do now? They just keep reading the script over and over talking over my questions until I decide to hang up on them.

I *really* don’t want to be that angry American consumer that is the basis for those Indian sitcoms, but come on. E-trade, really? This is the best you can do?

The next day, after receiving my ID, they inform me that the address does not match ( passports are valid for 10 years… ) and that I must go in person to a branch several hours away to verify my identity. No way.

Instead, I have responded with a letter from my attorney. Needless to say, I’ll be closing my account assuming I ever get access to it again.

Do not ever do business with this company – you WILL regret it.